The dorms are open

...time to stop studying

By Chris Martin | Sept - Oct 2003

Rampant and wanton sex.

Thatís what dorm life is all about ó or at least it should be. If itís not, then youíre doing something wrong.

With the opening of the first dorms at Cal State San Marcos, coeds with tight bodies and guys with loose morals will be thrust into cramped living quarters where the intercourse between alcohol and hormones is bound to lead to an all-out orgy.

Perhaps itís a stereotype, but itís one that will be shared by everyone else living in the dorms ó make the most of it.

Here are some ideas, tips and instructions to get as much satisfaction from your sexual peak as possible.

Get to know the natives

Any hunter will tell you, the first step to bagging an animal is to know the prey. When you first arrive, locate the rooms containing former high-school cheerleaders and jocks ó theyíre sure to be the easiest lay.

Steer clear of the home-school graduates and any girls from Utah ó they need a week or two to get into the swing of things.

Be a stalker

Once youíve identified your target, you could wait for fate to arrange a chance meeting between classes... OR, if you actually want to get some, you can take matters into your own hands.

By learning the routes of those you covet you put yourself in the best position possible to be noticed by the object of your desire ó or whoever is willing or drunk enough to go back to your room on a particular occasion.

The spiderís web

The dorm is not just your room ó itís your lair. Once youíve lured an unsuspecting fly into your web, make sure the room is equipped with the tools to seal the deal. You need atmosphere, you need booze and you need protection.

For atmosphere, think candles, message oil, satin sheets and Barry White.

In terms of alcohol, women probably donít even need liquor at all to get the guy. But if you feel it necessary, a simple six pack of cheap beer will suffice.

For the men out there, keep an elegant bottle of wine on hand. Women love wine. If youíre more of a hard alcohol devotee, vodka and cranberry juice should work.

And, unless you want to spend the rest of the semester inside the doctorís office at Health Services, go down there right away and get your protection for free. Sure, itís a free-for-all, but letís not be stupid.

Be patient

Forget that.

Respect your dorm mate

Probably the oldest and most well known trick of the trade in dorm life is tying a sock or a scarf around the doorknob telling your roommate to wait their turn. Itís the oldest trick because it works.

If you care to step into the 21st century, youíll find an array of technological devices such as e-mail, cell phones and text messaging that may prove more beneficial in the coordination of crib scheduling. But be sure to turn off the Web cam first... or not.

Better yet, schedule your booty calls for the times you know your roommate is stuck in class.

If you know your roommateís schedule well enough, you can bang it out with the hottie upstairs and be solitarily curled up on your bed with a good book before your roommate gets home from Spanish 201.

1. DO Post your schedules on a white board at the beginning of the semester so you know when to expect a private room. DONíT Begin your ďlove sessionĒ five minutes before your roommate is scheduled to get home from English class. Your roommate and your partner will not appreciate the interruption. 2. DO Open the windows after having sex to air out the room. DONíT Leave the hot smell of sex lingering in the room for your roommate to come home to. Remember, dorm rooms tend to be small. 3. DO Dispose of all the evidence properly. DONíT Leave your condoms or even the wrappers as a yummy surprise for your roommate to clean up. Remember, you may want privacy, but your roommate canít respect that if he/she knows what size condoms you wear. This also goes for those who donít use condoms. DONíT leave dirty towels lying around the room. Be sure to clean up after yourself. 4. DO Keep your sexual encounters on your side of the tape. DONíT Have sex in your roommateís bed or anywhere near his/her things. Remember, respect is key to a happy roommate. 5. DO Ask permission before tapping into you roommateís ďsexĒ drawer. DONíT Steal your roommates condoms. He/she might just need one during your 6 oíclock math class. 6. DO Only have sex when your roommate is not in the room. DONíT Risk it even when you think he/she is asleep. 7. DO Respect your roommateís relationships as you would your best friend. DONíT Have sex with his/her significant other. Remember-that is just WRONG!


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