Cock My Pistol: Territorial Pissing

By Chris Martin | Feb - March 2006

It always amazes me the lengths people go to let others know they’re in a relationship. There are the less offensive and more traditional ways to mark your territory, such as placing rings on each others fingers, or giving your girl your letterman jacket.

Others subscribe to more unconventional methods such as tattooing your lover’s name on your body, or God forbid, becoming the couple that sport matching Mickey and Minnie outfits in public.

Worst of all is the dreaded promotional monogamist, who feels it necessary to interject upon every conversation, at every conceivable opportunity, the uncomplicated splendor that is his or her relationship. These people in particular make me want to pick up bow hunting as a hobby.

The point is simply this; people feel the need to mark their territory. For instance, not too long ago I had an encounter with a female that left me puzzled and intrigued. We spent a wonderful night together, agreeing that a relationship was something we should explore.

We had breakfast and then I took her home. However, upon my return I was surprised to find she’d left a half dozen bracelets and a ring in my bedroom. It wasn’t that she’d forgotten some jewelry that completely floored me, so much as it was my initial suspicion that she’d left them on purpose.

The jewelry was in the living room when we went to bed and on my nightstand when I got home. At first I was flattered at the thought of a woman so brazenly marking her turf in expectation of a second meeting.

Admittedly, upon further consideration, I was becoming very uneasy at the thought of being hurried or backed into a relationship. Evidently my narcissism does indeed know some bounds, because the more I thought about it the more I began to question whether this behavior was carefully planned or purely accidental.

Was it nothing more than fortuitous forgetfulness, or was it indeed a designed attempt to ensure future contact? Or worse yet, was it some kind of premeditated effort to leave her scent in my den as a warning to other females that this buck is off limits?

I had to gather further insight, so I sequestered a couple of friends to the confines of one of our favorite watering holes to discuss the subject. The results were anything but conclusive.

One of my female friends posits that whether women (or men for that matter, because they do it as well according to her) deliberately leave their belongings is of no concern. She believes that the means to this end can be accomplished consciously or subconsciously.

From her viewpoint men and women are much more animalistic than we care to believe. Similar to our animal friends we practice this marking ritual like urination –this logic holds true if you think about it.

A cat doesn’t pontificate about why it’s pissing on your drapes, it just does it.

Paradoxically this female colleague’s husband had an entirely different outlook regarding our quandary. It was his assertion that women are much more calculating than their male counterparts.

He pointed out (much to the dismay of his loving wife) that whereas it is in the nature of men to procreate with as many viable mates as possible, it is in the best interests of women to find and secure the most suitable mate to help support and raise their brood.

Subsequently, his wife made a rather snide comment about how many viable mates he’d come across lately. He tried to back his way out of his inopportune proclamation, but it was too late and things started to get nasty.

It would appear that my cynicism of others also knows some bounds, because although I never got the answers to my questions regarding the territorial traits of men and women, I did learn something more valuable.

I’m pleased to report that the smoke did eventually clear and once again my married friends are happy as ever. You see, they inspire me and give me hope that monogamy and happiness can coexist.

I also learned not to dwell on the insignificant idiosyncrasies of the fairer sex, and instead focus on what’s really important like grace, beauty, compassion, and of course really incredible sex.

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